The Next Pandemic: A Horoscope

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<center><h3>The Next Pandemic: A Horoscope</h3></center> <<include "Data">> The Lizards have a bad rap. To clear their name, they have agreed to share their next-gen horoscope technology with us to help calculate the specifics of the next pandemic outbreak, and how to deal with it. Their results are as follows: The next deadly pathogen will originate in <<print either($countries)>> and can be traced back to <<print either($origin)>>. The approximate duration of this event will be <<print either($duration)>> and it will start <<print either($time)>>. A major setback will be <<print either($setback)>>, but policies like <<print either($qualifier)>> <<print either($policy)>> will surely get the problem under control in no time and we can all go back to normal and this will, for sure, never happen again. <center>More data incoming. Recalculating<span id="bar">$bar</span> <span id="countdown">$percent</span> %</center> <<silently>> <<repeat 0.65s>> <<set $percent to $percent + 1>> <<if $percent <= 99>> <<replace "#countdown">>$percent<</replace>> <<if $percent % 3 is 0>> <<set $bar.push(".")>> <<replace "#bar">><<print $bar.join("")>><</replace>> <</if>> <<else>> <<replace "#countdown">>100<</replace>> <<goto "The Next Pandemic">> <<stop>> <</if>> <</repeat>> <</silently>>

<<nobr>> <<set $percent = 0>> <<set $bar = []>> <<set $countries to ["Afghanistan", "Albania", "Algeria", "Andorra", "Angola", "Antigua & Deps", "Argentina", "Armenia", "Australia", "Austria", "Azerbaijan", "Bahamas", "Bahrain", "Bangladesh", "Barbados", "Belarus", "Belgium", "Belize", "Benin", "Bhutan", "Bolivia", "Bosnia and Herzegovina", "Botswana", "Brazil", "Brunei", "Bulgaria", "Burkina Faso", "Burundi", "Cambodia", "Cameroon", "Canada", "Cape Verde", "the Central African Republic", "Chad", "Chile", "China", "Colombia", "Comoros", "the Congo", "the Democratic Republic of the Congo", "Costa Rica", "Croatia", "Cuba", "Cyprus", "the Czech Republic", "Denmark", "Djibouti", "Dominica", "the Dominican Republic", "East Timor", "Ecuador", "Egypt", "El Salvador", "Equatorial Guinea", "Eritrea", "Estonia", "Ethiopia", "Fiji", "Finland", "France", "Gabon", "Gambia", "Georgia", "Germany", "Ghana", "Greece", "Grenada", "Guatemala", "Guinea", "Guinea-Bissau", "Guyana", "Haiti", "Honduras", "Hungary", "Iceland", "India", "Indonesia", "Iran", "Iraq", "Ireland", "Israel", "Italy", "the Ivory Coast", "Jamaica", "Japan", "Jordan", "Kazakhstan", "Kenya", "Kiribati", "North Korea", "South Korea", "Kosovo", "Kuwait", "Kyrgyzstan", "Laos", "Latvia", "Lebanon", "Lesotho", "Liberia", "Libya", "Liechtenstein", "Lithuania", "Luxembourg", "Macedonia", "Madagascar", "Malawi", "Malaysia", "Maldives", "Mali", "Malta", "the Marshall Islands", "Mauritania", "Mauritius", "Mexico", "Micronesia", "Moldova", "Monaco", "Mongolia", "Montenegro", "Morocco", "Mozambique", "Myanmar", "Namibia", "Nauru", "Nepal", "the Netherlands", "New Zealand", "Nicaragua", "Niger", "Nigeria", "Norway", "Oman", "Pakistan", "Palau", "Panama", "Papua New Guinea", "Paraguay", "Peru", "the Philippines", "Poland", "Portugal", "Qatar", "Romania", "the Russian Federation", "Rwanda", "St Kitts & Nevis", "St Lucia", "Saint Vincent & the Grenadines", "Samoa", "San Marino", "Sao Tome & Principe", "Saudi Arabia", "Senegal", "Serbia", "Seychelles", "Sierra Leone", "Singapore", "Slovakia", "Slovenia", "Solomon Islands", "Somalia", "South Africa", "South Sudan", "Spain", "Sri Lanka", "Sudan", "Suriname", "Swaziland", "Sweden", "Switzerland", "Syria", "Taiwan", "Tajikistan", "Tanzania", "Thailand", "Togo", "Tonga", "Trinidad & Tobago", "Tunisia", "Turkey", "Turkmenistan", "Tuvalu", "Uganda", "Ukraine", "the United Arab Emirates", "the United Kingdom", "the United States", "Uruguay", "Uzbekistan", "Vanuatu", "Vatican City", "Venezuela", "Vietnam", "Yemen", "Zambia", "Zimbabwe", "@@color\:red\;\'\'ERROR: NO POINT OF ORIGIN\'\'@@"]>> <<set $time to ["soon", "in a few years", "like\, tomorrow\, basically", "when the current one is over. Give nature a break. It\'s really hard to come up with new pathogens ffs", "right after you booked your next plane ticket", "@@color\:red\;\'\'ERROR: NEXT PANDEMIC ALREADY STARTED\'\'@@", "next July", "at the next point in time that is maximally inconvenient for everybody", "@@color\:red\;\'\'ERROR: IT\'S A SURPRISE\'\'@@", "this Christmas", "sometime around a big public event that won\'t be cancelled for some reason"]>> <<set $duration to ["two years", "three years", "four years", "one year", "six months", "...tbh it will be more of a cyclic thing", "basically forever. Get used to it", "a few days here\, a few years there", "a decade", "@@color\:red\;\'\'ERROR: SET AS EXTINCTION EVENT\'\'@@"]>> <<set $setback to ["hate crimes against people entirely unrelated to the issue", "the people least inconvenienced by them refusing to follow safety guidelines", "economists warning about a recession honestly being way worse than a few million casualties", "conspiratorial propaganda blaming the lizards", "underfunded health departments", "a profit-based healthcare system in a country with a major outbreak", "that most of the time that could go into research about a vaccine or cure has to be spent on convincing \'sceptics\' that a) the illness does exist, b) it might affect them directly, c) it cannot be cured by ingesting household cleaning products, and d) it’s not coming from the Lizards", "censorship of the news in the country of origin"]>> <<set $origin to ["bats. Of course it\'s bats. They make up a fifth of all mammals on the planet, so chances are: It\'s bats", "factory farming", "global warming or urbanization forcing an animal we hardly knew existed out of its natural habitat and carrying something akin to a minor cough for its own species into a major city", "a human six-year-old who loves touching the faces of strangers", "contaminated water", "a new parasite that looks kind of cute under a microscope and will become a meme", "mosquitoes", "@@color\:red\;\'\'ERROR: PATIENT ZERO UNKNOWN\'\'@@"]>> <<set $qualifier to ["half-assedly", "unenthusiastically", "somewhat", "begrudgingly and temporarily", "sometimes", "kinda"]>> <<set $policy to ["closing down schools a bit", "shutting down the retail industry, but not all the other industries,", "and sheepishly encouraging employers to offer work-from-home options", "realizing there might be a problem with people dying and all that", "encouraging people to wash their hands", "offering monetary solutions that, mysteriously, almost exclusively benefit the rich and encourage mass layoffs", "understanding that this is not a matter of individual responsibility, but an international health crisis", "having a firm discussion with the meat processing and packing industry", "@@color\:red\;\'\'ERROR: NO APPLICABLE SHORT TERM SOLUTION FOUND\'\'@@"]>> <</nobr>>

The Next Pandemic: A Horoscope

The Lizards have a bad rap. To clear their name, they have agreed to share their next-gen horoscope technology with us to help calculate the specifics of the next pandemic outbreak, and how to deal with it.

Their results are as follows:

The next deadly pathogen will originate in South Africa and can be traced back to a human six-year-old who loves touching the faces of strangers. The approximate duration of this event will be two years and it will start when the current one is over. Give nature a break. It's really hard to come up with new pathogens ffs.

A major setback will be underfunded health departments, but policies like unenthusiastically and sheepishly encouraging employers to offer work-from-home options will surely get the problem under control in no time and we can all go back to normal and this will, for sure, never happen again.

More data incoming.
Recalculating
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